Falling in Love

October 25, 2014

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By Terence T. Gorski
Author, Gorski Books

What do the words “fall in love” mean to you?

Everyone uses the term. Sometimes I think I’m the only one who doesn’t really know what it means.

To me FALLING IN LOVE is “a state of temporary insanity marked by intense feelings of euphoria and the inability to see your partner realistically.”

I’ve noticed that when most people fall in love they are not thinking rationally in the moment. They make decisions based upon emotion, are highly suggestible, and often feel an urgency to make long-term commitments so their euphoric feelings of “being in love” will last forever.

When the “euphoric trance of infatuation” breaks, which it always does, the two people can begin to see each other realistically. Only then can they make rational decisions about their compatible. Sometimes a solid state of attraction, passion, compatibility, and mutual respect emerge after the infatuation ends. Sometimes not.

It is often best not to make long-term binding commitments during the early relationship stage marked by euphoric passion. Enjoy yourself and the relationship for what it is. Is it true love with your predestined soul-mate? Only time will tell!

If you are in recovery from addiction be cautious when you fall in love. The intensity of passion of falling in love and the depression and disillusionment of breaking up are common triggers for relapse.

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Making commits too early in a relationship based primarily upon the intense feelings of infatuation can can serious long-term life problems for both partners.

For guidelines about conducting sober and responsible relationships in recover read GETTING LIVE RIGHT – THE CHOICES OF HEALTHY INTIMACY and listen to the lecture upon which the book was based.

Book: Getting Love Right

The Recorded Lecture: Addictive Relationships


THE CARE-TAKING PERSONALITY STYLE

October 20, 2014

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By Terence T. Gorski
Author, GORSKI BOOKS

People with care taking personalities are especially vulnerable to Codependence. The primary symptoms they experience are:

(1) A normal unconditional love with a partner, child or other family member that is incorporated as a part of self-identity;

(2) Repeated attempts and failures to help “their addict” as the symptoms of addiction progress;

(3) Continuous exposure to the addicts denial, distortion of personal history, and blaming the codependent for all problems and failures.

(4) Compulsive over-involvement in helping “their addict” as a means of establishing self-identity;

(5) Excessive caretaking behavior that results in a lack of self-care;

(6) the loss of self-identity and establishing self-worth based upon their ability to help “their addict.”

(7) Most codependent people privately feel guilty, ashamed, inadequate but wear a mask of being in control as they cover up the problems caused by the behavior of “their addict.”

(8) The mistaken belief that all their pain and problems will go away when “their addict” stops drinking and drugging and goes back to being the way they were.

Guy Lamunyon asked Mother Teresa would be considered an extreme codependent?

My answer to that question is that it all depends on definitions and culture-based interpretations.

Most Saints could be classified as mentally ill if only a small set of their behaviors were considered and their intent and outcome of their behavior was not taken into account.

Mother Teresa never had sex, believed, as other Nuns, that she was married to Jesus on a deep spiritual level, and abandoned her family to go work in a foreign and impoverished country. These could be seen as saintly characteristics or as behavior motivated by psychological problems.

The main issue, however, would be if she lost her personal identity and developed serious health and life problems as a result of helping others and whether her efforts to help were generally effective.

I don’t use diagnostic criteria to judge. I try to use diagnostic labels and criteria as s guide to help people figure out what is happening in their lives that is causing unnecessary pain and problems and learn ways to manage their lives more effectively.

A hallmark of the codependent style of helping is that it doesn’t work and often allows problems to get worse. It also means the the source of self-worth is based upon trying and constantly failing to help others while actually enabling their problems to get worse.

I understand that Mother Teresa built and participated in a well run organization, was a leader who effectively participated in that organization. She could set boundaries when appropriate to protect herself, her team, and her mission.
Her source of self-worth was on her relationship with God.

All great people who push the edge of human and cultural consciousness suffer from some form of mental disorder. See the book Touched By Fire – http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/068483183X?pc_redir=1413335464&robot_redir=1

GORSKI BOOKS http://www.relapse.org

GORSKI’S BLOG ON CODEPENDENCE
https://terrygorski.com/2013/12/08/diagnosing-codependence-a-practical-guide/


IMPAIRED ADDICTION PROFESSIONALS

October 16, 2014

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By Terence T. Gorski
Author – Review Gorski Books
Gorski’s Blog: www.terrygorski.com

As in any other profession, addiction professionals can develp Addiction during the course of the career. 

Addiction is a brain disease that creates psychosocial symptoms. If caught early, stable recovery and a return to work can occur within a reasonable period of time.

Unfortunately, many treatment programs handle addiction among therapists and other addiction professionals as performance and personnel problems rather than an employee medical problems. As a result, many if not most addiction professionals whe need help are misnamed and never get the help that they need. 

The following White Paper documents the results of an important conference in the area of impaired addiction professionals. Please pass it forward to anyone whe may be interested. 

Read the Report:
http://www.nattc.org/regcenters/productDocs/13/impaired_prof_ver3.pdf 

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Addictive Love: The Seven Signs

October 13, 2014

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by Terence T. Gorski, Author

Intimate relationships can improve your life, or make it miserable! Here are the signs of addictive love relationships, which make love and life miserable.

Some psychologists believe that if you grew up in a dysfunctional home, your chances of being in a dysfunctional or addictive relationship are higher. You feel like you’re not worthy of being loved so you settle for a partner who treats you badly. This could be obvious abuse or the less obvious addictive relationship.

What is an Addictive Love Relationship?

Why Do I Keep Doing That? An addictive relationship usually involves one person who is self-centered and extremely independent.

This partner (let’s call him Selfish Sam – but it could just as easily be Selfish Sally) believes he’s entitled to whatever he wants whenever he wants it. He surrounds himself with people who support his opinions of himself.

The other partner (we’ll call her Dependant Debbie but it could be Dependent Darren) is dependent and other-centered, and willing to mirror whatever the first partner wants. She’s simply a reflection of him. This is how addictive relationships work.

Addictive relationshipsIt works until the other-centered person runs out of steam one night and doesn’t have enough energy to mirror back what is needed. The relationship is going to blow up. Addictive relationships do not necessarily have to have self-centered and other-centered partners, but it’s very common.

Seven Signs of Addictive Love

There are seven signs of an addictive love relationship:

1. Dishonesty. Neither Sam nor Debbie talks about who they are or what’s really bothering them. They lie about what they want. This turns communication into an addictive relationship.

2. Unrealistic expectations. Both Sam and Debbie think the other will solve their self-esteem, body image, family, and existential problems. They believe the “right relationship” will make everything better. Yet, they’re in a disastrous addictive relationship.

3. Instant gratification. Sam expects Debbie to be there for him whenever he needs her; he needs her to make him happy immediately. He’s using her to make him feel good, and isn’t relating to her as a partner or even a human being. She’s a like drug. An addictive relationship drug.

4. Compulsive control. Debbie has to act a certain way, or Sam will threaten to leave her. Both feel pressure to stay in this addictive relationship; neither feel like they’re together voluntarily.

5. Lack of trust. Neither partner trusts the other to be there when the chips are down. They don’t believe the other really loves them, and they don’t believe genuine caring or liking exists. At some level they know they’re not in a healthy but rather in an addictive relationship.

6. Social isolation. Nobody else is invited into their relationship – not friends, family, or work acquaintances. People in addictive relationships want to be left alone.
Cycle of pain. Sam and Debbie are trapped in a cycle of pleasure, pain, disillusionment, blaming, and reconnection. The cycle repeats itself until one partner breaks free of the addictive relationship.

7. Addictive love relationships can change, if both partners are self-aware and willing to do what it takes. In some cases an objective viewpoint (such as counseling) helps; other times, self-control and mutual accountability are all that’s needed to turn the addictive

GORSKI BOOKS
Live Sober – Be Responsible – Live Free

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Ebola and Isis: Reasonable Precautions for USA Residents

October 8, 2014

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By Terence T. Gorski
Author, Review Gorski Books

The job of American media is to help the government practice the politics of fear. Most threats are seriously over-stated, but taking reasonable precautions in the face of any threat is never a bad idea.

The Ebola Scare
is a serious thing if you live in Africa or other countries experiencing epidemic contagion. In my opinion, however, if you live in the USA the risk is very low, especially if you take minimal precautions.

Guy Lamunyon pointed out that The risk of ebola may go up in the Southwest because people with Ebola could just walk across the border and disappear into the country. USA Customs loses track of 75% of non-citizens who register at the crossing stations despite a legal requirement to check back in fifteen days.

The quality of sanitation in a community is important to stop the spread of Ebola. So temporary communities for farm workers could rapidly spread the virus if they area living in communities with poor sanitation and overcrowding.

Here are ten things that you can do to protect yourself against Ebola.

1. If you are flying, check where your flight has been in past 72 hours. If it has been in Africa or other countries in the midst of the epidemic consider taking a different flight.

2. Ebola is difficult to get. Transmission requires physical contact with body parts or body fluids that have the virus. So, don’t shake hands with strangers. If you do use hand sanitizer immediately after you are finished

3. Carry both hand sanitizer a and sanitizing towels. wipe all services before you touch them, especially shopping cart handles, hand rails, and anything I’m bathrooms

4. If someone at the airport or on an airplane appears to have fever or flu like symptoms, stay away from that person and report it to a ticket agent or security guard immediately.

5. Switch flights if people are are sick and feverish and and crew crew won’t remove them.

6. In the hotel wipe everything down with sanitizing wipes. Don’t forget the door knobs.

7. The most contaminated thing in a hotel room is the bed cover (bread spread). It is not changed and washed very often and people often lay down upon it right as they get in the room. Ask the hotel to remove the bedspreads from the room even when they assure you they are clean.

8. Be sure to wipe sink and bathtubs especially if there are drops of water which is the most common route of transmission.

9. CARRY A THERMOMETER. If get even a low grade fever be paranoid and go get checked out by a Doctor or at an ER.

10. If an Isis Terrorist comes to behead you, make sure they sanitize the blade so you don’t get Ebola while being decapitated. LOL

SERIOUSLY: Isis has announced that they will begin decapitating people in public places. These would most likely be lone wolf radicalized Americans. In crowds scan the faces of people around you. When stalking or just prior to attacking there is a subtle but very frightening facial expression. Trust you hit. These type of terrorists usually travel in packs of 3 – 5. They spread out in a group to isolate small groups of what appear to be easy victims. You can see them coordinating with eye signals. They may have baggy jackets to hide a blade. Stay away from anyone carrying a sword or machete in a public.

The odds of being attacked by terrorist is so low that it approaches zero. When they do occur they they strike a contagious terror in the hearts of most people. Since they occur on common places like malls and busy streets it robs us of our ability to feel safe anywhere.

These attacks have happened in other countries on crowded streets and in malls. Airports are low risk because of metal detectors.

Be alert, but don’t worry. Wash your hands, sanitize shopping cart handles, and run from people carrying machetes, long knives, or swords and you and you family will probably be fine.

These ten steps will make most people think are are a fanatic, but according to a report from CDC you are have a less than 1% chance of contracting Ebola in the USA. This is because it is hard to get Ebola unless there are sick people around you or you are in a city having an active outbreak of cases. Terrorism is frightening but your odds of being hurt in a terrorist act is less than being hit by lightening.

LIVE SOBER – BE RESPONSIBLE – LIVE FREE

GORSKI BOOKS


CHASING THE SHADOW SELF

October 3, 2014

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By Terence Gorski

Sometimes we can find great wisdom about ourselves by sitting quietly and refusing to run from the inner memories and messages.

The shadow or dark side of our being keeps us running from memories and parts of ourselves we are afraid to see.

Addiction can block access to these messages. Since they need to be heard, they keep screaming louder and louder driving us deeper and deeper into our addiction just to turn them off for a little while.

When we get sober they start to haunt us. We can choose to sit quietly, face the fear and the memories, and make sense of it all with the help of trusted friends in recovery. OR we can run into relapse or other compulsive and irresponsible behaviors in a futile effort to run from ourselves.

Sit still in recovery. Be aware of who you are. You probably find that when the fear and anger pass you are with a really good person.

LIVE SOBER – BE RESPONSIBLE – LIVE FREE

~ Terry Gorski,

Gorski Books: www.relapse.org
Gorski On Facebook: www.facebook.com/GorskiRecovery

Gorski Training: www.cenaps.com
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